I'm gonna guess that she's happily startled because, for example, mine hit his weed pen outside every 15 minutes and fell asleep on the couch and never once came near me. I think that my experience (or smth similar) is pretty common.
Edit: Hi, I'm an actually human person and was the first to comment on this. I'm not trying to start a damn war of the roses, and apparently this is NOT the correct answer (see the next comment below mine). Just popped in with my stupid, obviously incorrect thought about what this could mean. So chill with calling me a stupid whore.
Nah it's not. I can see how someone would want to normalise such a shitty event to deal with it but the fathers I know and myself have been much much more involved and supportive than our fathers were
Yup, if they married and had a child with a man like this, you can't really expect the people they surround themselves with to be vastly different. So they'd think it's normal to be like this.
The self-formed bubble is such a common perception-distorting issue. It's the same with "Why aren't there any good guys, all the guys I date are assholes." or "Why aren't there any good women? All the women I date just want my money.".
Well, if you keep dating a specific type of person, you will end up dating that specifict type of person.
Right. My ex was 17 when our daughter was born. My family thought he was a loser (we were alt/punk kids) but he was amazing during my pregnancy, the birth, and has always been an incredible devoted father. Better than a lot of men twice his age tbh
I think this is directly related to how millenials were patented, and also the fact that most millenials view having children as an active choice they made rather than a standard milestone of life and marriage. I personally don't want kids, but I love seeing involved dads.
Pr9bably the best judges but don't tell my parents that lol. Nurses can project how they want to be treated onto other couples. My mom was very much "get this thing out of me and take the baby" but the nurses boxed my dad out and kept trying to force my mom to take it. They'd tell you my dad was being pushy despite him trying to do exactly what my mom said she needed him to do. Not everyone wants the same kind of support and nurses can be super judgemental.
They absolutely are. It’s like they don’t want the father anywhere around even when the father is doing everything right and doing exactly what the mother needs. I understand they probably see a lot of shitty fathers but also if wasn’t assertive they wouldn’t have let me be involved at all, and then they would have trashed me for not being involved.
I’m still pissed off that they tried to keep me from carrying my own child out of the hospital (in a car seat), when they were discharged, and insisted that my wife had to carry the seat in her lap, where it was sitting directly on a fresh c-section incision.
Yeah. Or they desperately try to find other things wrong with the SO of other people.
Yeah he makes 6 figures, dances flamenco, went to an elite university and treats her extremely well - but I am sure he is just a dull, boring unmanly guy…
It's funny, he's actually the shittiest person I know. My family is spectacular. But when you have kids and you're brainwashed, the massive amount of guilt for being selfish for leaving is like a ball and chain. Been together 10 years and has never proposed marriage. I even bought him a house. I know it's not normal. I'm spiraling here lol
Right, but that rationale can also apply to the man you replied to. He and his friends are good husbands and fathers, so he thinks there aren't that many crummy guys out there.
Joke's on you : my father was so involved that he fainted in the delivery room, hit his head on the chair he had been waiting on and was evacuated by a nurse directly to neurology while my mom had her baby.
So... he wasn't really that supportive at that point, but he stayed the night at the hospital, at least.
Hey, your dad gave his best. Birth is a monumental task and as a father you feel like a helpless bystander that is watching his wife perform a fucking miracle while screaming in pain or begging for help while all you can do is hold her hand and tell her she's doing great while there's excrement and blood involved.
Your dad is LEAGUES ahead of a guy that just leaves to smoke weed and fall asleep.
You just described the birth of my first child in perfect detail. I was NOT ready for that much poop and trauma. All I can remember is poop and trauma. I thought my wife was going to die, then I thought our unborn child was going to die, then they put us all to sleep for a rest (even me!), only to wake up and get right back to the poop and trauma.
I absolutely can not believe that we went and did it a second time. I am now proudly desexed.
Lmao my husband also thought everyone involved was dying. Surely seems like a thing that should kill you more often. I maintain…that is NOT supposed to fit through down there and for those reasons I am one and done
big facts. i was there for every second doing all i could do to support. held hands until she crushed mine. water and cold compresses. helped her into new birthing positions. mirrored breathing. took photos whenever appropriate… and THEEN i hit the weed pen. after the dude showed up
One of the greatest pleasures in my life is taking my boy to the park. That level of joy in mere existence is something we get so far away from in adult life
Im of course referring to the tendency of middle eastern men in particular to refuse to change diapers of small children at all or to take paternity leave even back when that peternity leave is lost if not used by the father.
Im of course referring to the tendency of middle eastern men in particular
To clarify, those men are specifically first-generation or second-generation immigrants who buy into a hypermasculine traditionalist culture. You'd see the same behaviour from an American evangelical, or a Chinese Confucianist. Be careful not to miss the forest for the trees.
Lmfao such bigotry of low expectations. As if “well it’s their culture” would ever be an expectable excuse for the same behavior from an American evangelical.
... At least until they pick up marathon running, cross-country skiiing or other hobby that conventionally takes them out of the house for days at a time.
I think it's more that, when you work in that kinda field, you see so many examples of the worst kinda person. Think retail and customer service - not every customer is awful, but when you're serving all day and the vast majority of people are neutral at best or horrific at worst, it's a pleasant surprise when you serve someone who is genuinely lovely.
People are so quick to shit on dads. Whenever I’m out and about with the girls, some old lady has to say “oh, giving mom a break?” Bitch this is everyday. I cook 99% of the meals and lug these kids everywhere.
I (M) remember my overnight stay after delivery, I tried to soothe the baby when it awoke and it wasn’t feeding time, and woke every time the nurses came in i was there to help mom during feedings. We slept in fits, they wake mom every 4 hours to encourage feeding.
I remember the nurse’s told me that most dads don’t help, don’t get involved, and leave everything to the mom.
We were jut recovering from a brutal birth so I was eagerly interested in both baby and mom’s health and recovery but the stories the nurses told me were shocking.
I work in healthcare. It may be cultural but what it really is is confirmation bias/selective memory. Men are expected to suck by a lot of women. Lots of patients come through everyday. Guess who the nurses gossip about. The shit head patients. This sort of thing easily shifts peoples views over time
I also think there are some difference based on the hospital. The hospital I delivered at served a largely low income community, and the way the nurses treated us changed DRAMATICALLY when they realized we were a 30 year old married couple and not a couple of 20 year olds having an out of wedlock baby (to be fair we both look younger than we are.) Disgusting behavior, IMO, and they didn’t exactly treat us WELL even then, but it’s clear we weren’t what they were “used to.” Also the whole time my husband struggled to even get anyone to talk to him, like he’d ask a question and they’d turn and talk to me like he wasn’t even in the room.
Definitrly confirmation bias and seismic. When I did a OBGYN surgery rotation, the nurse that oriented us told us to be ready to see all the horrible fathers. The 6 month we were there we saw many amazing father and many "you could do better" father's.
However, we only saw horrible grandmother's (both sides). The only person we had to throw out of the hospital during that time was also a grandmother. She was throwing a fit when birthing mother didn't want her in the room during the birth and only wanted her husband. Grandmother was screaming cursing. Grandfather was trying to calm her down until he gave up out of embarrassment and told the nurse to just call the cops 😅
Definitely cultural when maternity leave is still scarce, paternity leave is nearly non-existent, healthcare is tied to working, childbirth is an enormous expense, and the family is placed in a position where they have to think about the possibility of missing work to be present.
I'm in Texas. It's pretty common from everything people have told me of their own experiences, including the dads. Some men down here sound like they're bragging about not being good fathers like it's some kind of proof of macho-ness.
Former L&D nurse, unfortunately supportive partners are NOT the norm and it's incredibly disheartening knowing a large portion of the women I care for are not getting the support they need and deserve.
That's what I'm saying! I didn't miss a second. Plus, your wife is going through something physically traumatic. You should be there for her to curse at you for what you've done to her...
All I know is that after the most mediocre weinering, I’m sure, my wife told me she was preggo, and HOLY GODDAMN SHIT LETS DO THIS.
Edit: I work evenings. I get a lunch break during which I can go home and I come home to put that baby to sleep. It’s the best part of my work shift. I don’t eat. I just cuddle with that baby and help my wife.
The mental trauma is real even when things go as planned. Physics breaks down when these kids enter the mortal plane; both the most beautiful and horrifying to witness and know you had some part in making that happen.
Though, the sense of helplessness when things go even slightly awry haunts me to this day.
The absolute miracle is that humans have been around for as long as we have considering how insanely dangerous and uncontrolled childbirth is.
Haha, sorry, literal trauma dump you didn't ask for.
2 month until my little one comes. I already told me wife she can do whatever she wants to me. Curse at me? Who cares. Break my hand? Okay, probably not as bad as the pain you feel in that moment. Just let me be there for you.
Same, 29 hours, and I have the photo of us holding our first-born, drenched in sweat but relieved, a bruise on my forehead (from when my wife tried to knock herself unconscious) and blood on my shirt (from where she bit through the skin after asking for a hug).
It's funny looking back, after 3 kids, but I honestly thought she was going to die that first time. Fortunately, the next two were easier.
But I never thought for a minute about leaving her side. The nurses found it funny though, especially when she cursed out the doctor like a drunken sailor when he told her that he couldn't give her an epidural at the time.
Hah, I understand the sentiment but I have a rule not to share photos of the wife or kids online (aside from the Grandma Tax I pay to my mother). It's my personal fond memory that I keep in the scrapbook my wife makes for all our kids.
It terrified me too! In my wife's defense, she was trying to do it without painkillers (which in hindsight was a bad idea). Once the contractions got too severe, the doctors couldn't give the epidural because she was thrashing too much.
So she grabbed my head and started headbutting me in an attempt to knock herself out. It took my entire strength to hold her even though she's tiny because pregnant women in labor are freakishly strong. At which point she clamped down with her teeth and all I could think was, "yeah I probably deserve this. It's my fault."
But I was eventually able to hold her still long enough for the doctor to apply the epidural and then it was instant relief on her face. The rest of the delivery went much better after that, so no worries.
I don't want you to be terrified but also I don't want to sugarcoat it, it isn't as easy as they make it look on TV. The second and third time, we opted in for an epidural early and those went a bit smoother. However, my wife and I will never forget the feeling of seeing our first born for the first time. It's the best (and scariest) experience of our lives.
Okay. My wife’s labor did not last that long, but bless you for it. I would like to think that I would be there for all hours. This was our last child as ✂️🥜, if you know what I mean.
They usually don't cut the nuts only pipes to "the cylinder". Unless of course, you want to get extra soft skin and a lot less body hair. Whatever makes you happy.
I missed a few minutes of both births. Turns out my aversion to blood also applies to amniotic fluid.
First birth, my wife looks over and says to the nurse, "Is he supposed to be that gray?" Nurse looks at me and immediately barks, "Sit down. Now." Good call: seconds later I threw up in a trash can and had to get checked out by a different nurse.
Second birth, years later: the events of the first birth are told as a funny story. My mother is present for this birth, as well as a group of med students my wife has generously agreed to witness. The spurting begins, and I promptly say "Excuse me, I won't be a minute." Off I go to the bathroom, and as I'm emptying my guts, I hear my mother ask, "Is he okay?" "He'll be fine," my wife replies, "He does this every time."
Yeah, I didn't sit in view of anything that might cause me to go light-headed. I just sat behind her head, rubbed her shoulders and then let her break my hand with a death grip.
Have you seen all the TikTok of guys bringing their gaming consoles to the birthing rooms? God forbid they try and be attentive to these women bearing their children. You can just see the divorce brewing .
Me and my husband brought a gaming console and played together during the first part of labor. 😄 it was an induction so we were prepared for it to take a long time. It was so nice to have something relaxing to do and just chill.
But the second my contractions started to become intense we stopped playing and his focus was 100 percent on me.
Mine left the hospital to grab a couple tallboys (large cans of beer) at the gas station across the street so he could get a buzz on while I was laboring.
Someone had downvoted every comment correctly saying edited to add. I'm guessing it's because they're thinking about estimated time of arrival, but, in context that makes no fucking sense.
Mine was watching truck shows and eating horrible smelling bar mix while lounging with his feet propped up on a hand rail. Meanwhile I was going through induction labor (iykyk) and nauseous as fuck.
A lot of men don’t reveal their true selves until after a baby is born. Once the woman doesn’t have the time or energy for him that she had before. Prior to adding a baby to the mix, the man gets a lot of undivided attention and they often get resentful that that they’re not getting the attention and sex that they did before because babies are a 24/7/365 job with no breaks and they were raised on TV and likely in families where the woman does the bulk of the household work and child care no matter how many hours she works or what hobbies she used to have.
It’s also a lot harder to leave once you have kids because you can’t just stay anywhere or work any shift anymore so that’s the point at which he’s got you locked in because you’re in survival mode for a couple years after giving birth.
I don’t appreciate when people say that, but that’s because I don’t exhibit trash behavior like that. It’s ok to be upset when you’re inappropriately lumped in with shitty people solely based on your genetics.
What a weird excuse to justify your bigotry. Although I guess the excuse is always going to be desperate when you're claiming "no everyone else's generalisations are EVIL! but mine is not only justified by very righteous!"
Young women today were not alive to experience how women were treated 200 years ago, and young men were not alive to be responsible for it. Trying to hold men accountable for "historical marginalisation" they had nothing to do with is how you end up with more red-pilled kids.
Bigotry doesnt have to be about me specifically for me to dislike it
Otherwise I wouldn't dislike racial bigotry, or bigotry towards women (misogyny)
People who conditionally accept bigotry (or even condone it) just because of the group its targeted towards are opportunistic bigots (even those whose entire identity is based around being progressive)
My grandmother complains about this one every so often. To be fair to my grandfather it wasn't because he was bored of waiting exactly but because she went into labor on his birthday and he hoped the baby would be born that day.
But, still, not his most thoughtful moment and grandma was not impressed. (The baby was born the next day bdw so they missed having the same birthday by a couple of hours.)
My father-in-law, this great man, dropped my mother-in-law at the hospital, told her "call me when you're done" and went to smoke weed and down beers with his pals.
30 year she stayed married to thar wreck of a man.
It's amazing that people in the comments are somehow making this your fault. I was a midwife and unfortunately men acting like this is not uncommon, and often their partners don't know that they will be like this until it's crunch time and a huge, life-changing event happens - and then you either have to live with the knowledge that they're an unsupportive partner for the rest of your relationship, or kick them to the kerb (which isn't easy with a new baby etc.) It's a really shitty situation to find yourself in and I feel like some empathy in this comment section wouldn't go amiss.
What kind of country do you live in where that's okay? Or even if not okay, common...
Granted I'm no father yet but my girlfriend means too much to me to be able to abandon her if she needs me by her side normally, let alone during childbirth
Yeah… I know a labor a delivery nurse who says this is actually common…. That or bringing a whole ass video game console or both. I took a week off from work to help my wife after our kids birth and got asked if my vagina healed when I returned to work. Come to find out most of them never changed a diaper. Eye opening.
That’s insane. I remember the first week home from the hospital, I slept maybe 6 hours all week because I refused to let my wife do anything except sleep. Nothing prepares you for the amount of blood that comes after a relatively normal vaginal birth. Luckily my mother in law was there to make sure baby was okay, because I refused to leave my wife’s side while they were pushing out clots and what seemed like liters of blood. I was so scared for her despite every medical professional being so nonchalant about the entire ordeal
I mean I'm American and personally if I ever have a wife that's going through labor i'm going to be right there with her holding her hand and giving her hugs and doing everything I can to let her know I'm there for her.
Just do it. I promise, even though the idea feels overwhelming, like you're upending your whole life....you're not. You'll get up the next morning and do your normal routine, and go to bed that night, and the only thing different will be the amazing peace and quiet without him there.
Imagine not having to tiptoe around your own house. Imagine being able to just do things because you want to, without needing to worry about him.
Babe, just go. Planning is the BS excuse we use to stall and not make changes, and you know it.
Take a deep breath, move through the racing heart, and get rid of him. Tell him to gtfo. Or leave yourself. Whatever...just jump.
Your child deserves better than to grow up in an environment like that. Your job is to protect them and teach them what should be normal. An abusive, neglectful asshole isn't actually normal. You just think it is because that's what was modeled to you when YOU were young.
Break that cycle. Imagine if your child was dating someone who treated them the way he treats you. Would you accept that? No? What would you tell your child?
Now follow your own advice. Get going and start living the rest of your life. ❤️
That’s so sad. My mum was a midwife for 40yrs. Mainly in SCBU tbf but always said this kinda trope is very over played. Maybe locational? She worked in Birmingham followed by Northallerton, North Yorkshire.
When I gave birth I shared a recovery room with 4 other women. The woman next to me had been in labour a while. Her partner dipped out during it and went and cheated on her with her friend which we all learned about through a loud fight through the thin curtains that separated us when he returned. So in my experience it’s 1 in 4. /s
there's a show called "unexpected" that's basically tlc's version of 16 and pregnant/teen mom, and there was one boyfriend/baby daddy on the show that was vaping while he was sitting in the birthing tub with his laboring girlfriend.
and then when she wanted an epidural he fought her on it, and when she got one anyway he berated her and called her a drug addict.
For my birth my Dad sat in the corner, wide eyed, unblinking, intently reading his book.
Except he never turned a page and the book was upside down 😂
He’s a big guy tall and burly. His wedding ring looks like a baby bracelet. But he can’t handle people being in distress or pain at all he just shuts down, pure freeze mode.
My mother showed me the medical records and a nurse had written in the margin “husband is a giant marshmallow!”
Of all the responses to that previous response, this is the best one. She/He did nothing wrong and did what they could to remain stable... it's not like he left. He was there and ready for anything, no matter how stressful it was It's have been worse if, in the previous comment, he had left.
Unfortunately seems to be the case. When both my sons were born i was there every second i could (c section so had to be oht for the cutting part) staying overnight and changing diaps etc. the nurses were very complimentary and i thought i was doing the bare minimum. Hit me with a wave of sadness:loneliness.
I've had five kids now and the amount of praise I've received from nurses and random women at parks, stores, etc over the years for me doing what feels like the bare minimum of being a dad is depressing. "Oh wow, you brought your kid into urgent care and know their medical history? Good job!" "Look at dad being a pro at changing diapers!" "Wow, dad can swaddle a baby!" Just... Ugh
Jesus. The only way I wouldn't be in the room is if my SO said so. I'll support the mother of my child in anyway they want, even if it means getting out of the way.
As a male labour nurse, can confirm. Was absolutely dumbstruck and upset for all my patients whose partners would actively ignore them during labour, or were just completely disinterested in what the patient was going through to bring their child into the world.
Crazy isn't it, my ex was sick of being stuck at the hospital and he fucked off to smoke weed, it's sad actually, my ex was a useless father, I could count on both hands how many times he bathed them, changed nappies, or took them to the park. The thing that irks me the most is when a woman asks her partner to look after the kids
Am I weird? I was with my wife the whole time thru both pregnancies and even stayed in hospital with her and bubs both times. I was in the way of the midwives and nurses most of the time but if my wife needed a drink, backrub or hand to squeeze... i was there.
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u/BeatnikBun Apr 24 '26 edited Apr 24 '26
I'm gonna guess that she's happily startled because, for example, mine hit his weed pen outside every 15 minutes and fell asleep on the couch and never once came near me. I think that my experience (or smth similar) is pretty common.
Edit: Hi, I'm an actually human person and was the first to comment on this. I'm not trying to start a damn war of the roses, and apparently this is NOT the correct answer (see the next comment below mine). Just popped in with my stupid, obviously incorrect thought about what this could mean. So chill with calling me a stupid whore.