Yup, if they married and had a child with a man like this, you can't really expect the people they surround themselves with to be vastly different. So they'd think it's normal to be like this.
The self-formed bubble is such a common perception-distorting issue. It's the same with "Why aren't there any good guys, all the guys I date are assholes." or "Why aren't there any good women? All the women I date just want my money.".
Well, if you keep dating a specific type of person, you will end up dating that specifict type of person.
If you want some more info on that topic, check out the book "How we love" by Milan and Kay Yerkovich.
Basically the premise is that if you don't have a secure style of connection (and most people don't have that), you are drawn to someone who complements your insecure style of connection, which leads to repeating the same problematic patterns in one relationship after another.
E.g. someone who grew up with a volatile parent might have learned to be a pleaser: they do whatever they can for others so that the others feel indebted to the pleaser and can't get angry at the pleaser.
Someone like that might be attracted to a vaccilator, which is someone who grew up learning that love is conditional and fickle. The vaccilator wants a lot of deep attention and love right now, not a minute later, because then it's too late and now they don't want it any more.
The pleaser might be attracted to the vaccilator, because finally they have someone who really sees all the effort the pleaser puts into a relationship. And the vaccilator might be attracted to the pleaser, because finally there's someone who really loves them and does everything to show their love.
But eventually, exactly this mechanic causes trouble. The pleaser slowly burns out. They are constantly giving, but get nothing in return, and it's never enough. The vaccilator inevitably becomes disappointed in the pleaser. They are not doing enough for them, it's always too little too late.
Then the relationship fails, and the pleaser gets into a relationship with another vaccilator and the vaccilator with another pleaser, and the cycle repeats.
If you are interested, the book is an amazing read and was a real eye-opener for me.
Especially because it's not like other "people categorization books" that's like "Well, this is your love language, so deal with it", but it actually tries to help you break your own cycle and fix your relationship (and future ones).
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u/Vel_Cosby Apr 24 '26
Yup, if they married and had a child with a man like this, you can't really expect the people they surround themselves with to be vastly different. So they'd think it's normal to be like this.